Interview with Dr Arnold Brockenführ
8.13am Sunday 23/03/2003 - Location: unknown

Pogson: Firstly Dr Brockenführ, I'd like to express my gratitude at your agreeing to speak to Old Scientist Magazine exclusively, and for inviting me around to your house for breakfast.

Dr Brockenführ: Not at all. The pleasure's all mine...one lump or two?

Pogson: One please. Now, Dr Brockenführ, I'll get straight to the point. Your work has baffled the scientific world, no one can figure out how you managed to genetically engineer a typing monkey. How did you do it?

Dr Brockenführ: Marty is a Mandrill.

Pogson: Sorry, a Mandrill....oooh, nice cuppa.

Dr Brockenführ: Ok. It was really very simple if you know how. But not many people do, so I suppose it's rather complex.

Pogson: Err...yes.

Dr Brockenführ: First you need a Mandrill. They're endangered you know. In Africa they're sold as bush meat so there's not too many left wandering around. I was fortunate enough to get a toenail clipping from one - Marty's Grandfather in fact, when I was visiting a zoo in San Diego.

Pogson: How did you acquire that?

Dr Brockenführ: I saw Todd (Marty's Genetic Grandfather) asleep. His big toe was sticking out of the cage. Knowing that these creatures could inflict some real damage, carefully I used a pair of nail clippers. I still have some of it left today. It's mounted above the fireplace over there.

Pogson: Did you know what you were going to do with it straightaway?

Dr Brockenführ: Oh for sure. I had gone through so many theories and equations that I knew it had to be a Mandrill's toenail...preferably the left foot.

Pogson: Why the left foot?

Dr Brockenführ: Because they're right brained.

Pogson: Oh I see. So next you extracted the DNA using your Toenail DNA Extractor (patent pending) and then what? Surely you had to find a human willing to give their DNA to the project?

Dr Brockenführ: That's right. Janice, my secretary agreed to help me. She's fantastic. She's so efficient, articulate, and bubbly, plus she types 170 words per minute. I couldn't think of a closer match to a Mandrill on a personality level.

Pogson: So how did you manage to combine the Mandrill DNA with Janice, your secretary?

Dr Brockenführ: Janice, bless her, donated one of her unfertilised eggs. Then using microscopic lasers, we took what we call, the Alpha Strand, the dominant gene that determines the offspring's appearance, and sheered away what we didn't want of Janice's genetic make-up and fused the Mandrill's in it's place.

Pogson: That's truly amazing. My next question to you is who hosted the genetically altered egg?

Dr Brockenführ: Let's just say that Janice is extremely dedicated to her job.

Pogson: She gave birth to Marty?

Dr Brockenführ: Correct. I suppose you could say that's another world first for First Genetics.

Pogson: Do you see similarities in Marty that you can trace back to your secretary?

Dr Brockenführ: Oh absolutely. Marty, as you know, is a superb typist. Perhaps not as accomplished as his genetic mother, because of his opposable thumbs, but he can touch type better than most temps.

Pogson: I have to ask this question from a moral point of view. Is Marty happy? He has been part of an experiment, and some people would deem this to be a little odd.

Dr Brockenführ: I can understand your concerns, but I have asked Marty that very question. He typed "Are you kidding? I get my own office, access to the Internet and I'm paid peanuts. Life just doesn't get better than this!" You can even ask him yourself on the web broadcast if you don't believe me.

Pogson: Dr Brockenführ, thank you for your time and for giving the world this fascinating insight into your life as the world's most secretive yet acclaimed geneticists.

Dr Brockenführ: Thank you.

This article was originally published in the 234th issue of Old Scientist Magazine, February 2003. Copyright Science4Tomorrow Publishing, all rights reserved. Due to security reasons Dr. Brockenführ's face had to be digitally retouched.